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A cynic’s primary election guide

Ready for the most important election in Luzerne County in a generation, lifetime, half-century as Tuesday’s Primary has been described?

Really, it’s all that?

The most important elections in Luzerne County in a generation, lifetime, half-century were the ones where Ciavarella, Conahan, Toole and Skrepenak were elected in the first place.

Tuesday’s election is the safest in a generation, lifetime, half-century.

It’s said the safest time to fly is after a major accident when airlines, the FAA, airports and all are hyper-vigilant.

Well, the safest time to vote is after a major political crack-up when all the candidates are hyper-pure.

This may sound na´ve but at this point it’s safe to say that none of the judicial candidates or county council candidates will be accepting new suits, sunny vacations, 80-inch flat screens or stuffed envelopes once elected.

It’s almost like we can’t screw this one up no matter whom we elect.

All the judicial candidates are so full of honesty, integrity, and trustworthiness they won’t be able to button their robes.

They have spent so much time inside mahogany-paneled courtrooms they need vitamin D injections.

All the county council candidates are such non-political, non-connected, down-to-earth regular Joe six-packs you couldn’t bribe them with a backhoe.

A front loader, maybe, but not a backhoe.

But seriously folks, what kind of judges and councilpersons should we vote for?

Judge answer: Smart ones, if you can figure out who they are, whose rulings and decisions won’t be overturned on appeals to higher courts, because rulings and decisions overturned by higher courts cost time.

And time is money.

And we ain’t got none.

Which is good.

No money means a hard cap on the number of cronies and relatives the judges and councilpersons we elect can hire.

And what kind of county council candidates should we vote for?

Answer: Blowin’ in the Wind.

But here are some suggestions:

Vote for candidates from the county’s major population centers.

Or vote for candidates from rural villages so far from the county seat Magellan couldn’t find it.

Vote for experienced politicians.

Or vote for candidates who have never held any office above homeroom VP.

Vote for candidates with private sector managerial experience.

Or vote for candidates who never managed anything above T-ball.

Vote for candidates you know personally. Or vote for candidates you don’t know from Dweezil Zappa.

Vote for candidates who don’t need the money. Or vote for candidates who will live on $8,000 a year.

Vote for candidates who hold white-collar office jobs.

Or vote for candidates with dirt under their fingernails.

Vote for cute candidates (Michelle Bednar) or young, hip candidates (Casey Evans.)

What about school board, who shall we vote for there?

How about candidates who won’t hire their relatives or the relatives of other board members?


Crash, bang (Writer falls on floor in fit of laughter.)

I got it – orphans. Let’s vote for school board candidates who grew up in orphanages without any siblings. Heck fire, let’s make it a law that only orphans without siblings can be candidates for school board.

Which puts me in mind of the time Wyoming Area hired a School Police Officer who was so important they gave him uppercase letters and who just happened to be the brother of school director Dave Alberigi.

Wyoming Area never had a police force of its very own before Dave Alberigi was elected, but then the minute he was elected WA had to have its very own police force.

And, damn, if Alberigi’s brother Chris Alberigi of all the cops in the world wasn’t the best qualified to be the WA policeman. I mean, what are the chances?

WA even has its own police car. Here’s what was said about the cop car from a daily newspaper story about a school board meeting: “The new vehicle will enable him to patrol potential trouble spots on and near school grounds where students smoke or speed on their way in and out of school property.”

Wow, students smoke or speed on their way in and out of school property. Who knew? What if they smoke and speed? What if they smoke, speed and text? What if they smoke, speed, text and throw gum out the window? What if they smoke, speed, text, throw gum out the window, play Kanye West at 250 decibels and you can see their underwear?

Then what?

We’re going to need a bloody WA SWAT team.

Thar’s Gold

There’s a radio commercial about buying gold as an investment. In it a financial expert predicts the price of gold may double.

If that’s the case why does anyone want to sell it now?

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